I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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