Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize