I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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