im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
