I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
