Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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