Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
