She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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