never play flip cup with pint glasses
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
