I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
