Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
