I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
