he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
