I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Randomize
