my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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