How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize
