Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
