did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
