it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
