my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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