A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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