At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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