If i could tip my vagina, i would.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
