i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize