one might say we're banned from that church
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
