Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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