She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
