Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Boobs speak an international language.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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