I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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