Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
