I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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