I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
