I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
