Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
She's not a foreskin expert like you
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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