I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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