I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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