I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize