"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
