If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
