We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
