Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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