we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Randomize
