I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
