I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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