Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
Four minutes until I can fart!
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
