god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Four minutes until I can fart!
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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