I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
