I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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