Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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