Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
