One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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