i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
