I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize